The Maze of the Mind

I am one of those people who has always been in a long term relationship. I can count on one hand how many boyfriends I have had and it was never a conscious decision but I guess on some level it was a decision. At this point in time I am single and have been for a while now and that has been fine... until recently. For the first time I felt the cold sting of loneliness. In all honesty I haven't been too fond of being single as obviously the idea of having that someone to share experiences of life and affection with is more desirable than doing it by oneself but in saying that I was never lonely or unhappy, I guess it never really entered into my mind. But loneliness seems to be a completely different kettle of fish all together. When I first felt it... it stung me so deeply... I felt as though I would never ever meet someone and I would be alone for the rest of my life. Words cant really explain how I felt but I wrote this while in that state so maybe this will give you a bit of an idea...

LONELINESS

She stood there

Eyes black and hollow.

There was nothing in those eyes

No spark, no shine, no follow. 

I never thought her gaze would fall on me

And when it did I felt as though I was lost at sea.

Not drowning or dying, but a spec

Whose eyes would never reflect 

Anything but the greyness of the sky that is reflected by the sea.

Alone.

And alone I would always be.

Dramatic I know! I like using my different emotions to produce poetry. Its a great release and interesting to look back on. It took me a week to realise the effect this new idea/emotion was having on me and how my thoughts had spiraled down in a terribly negative direction. Thank goodness it only took me a week. Some people never realise and even if they do they go to doctors to be prescribed drugs or sit in a therapists room who says 'tell me about your childhood'. They blame outside circumstances, people, childhood memories etc. and say that when these things improve I will get better. But the truth is that you and you alone have the power to help yourself. No one can help you but YOU. Drugs are a band-aid for a wound that is only going to get bigger over time which is why people start off with mild antidepressants and end up on enough prescription drugs to kill a horse. A therapist helps you blame your outside circumstances. If that really is what you want to do go and spend your money and you will have someone help point the finger. But that doesn't make you feel any better which is why thousands of dollars and years down the track you are still in the same mental space.

It wasn't too hard for me to recognise that my negative thoughts and feelings were effecting my life. My motivation to write was slipping dramatically (hence why I haven't posted too much lately!), my house was a mess and I was becoming slack with my relationships (ask my friends how long it would take me to return calls, emails or txts!). Your outside world is always a brilliant indication as to how you are feeling on the inside. I love my writing, I have a lot of 'house pride' and I am a loyal friend... so when I noticed these things slipping I knew I was in big trouble as the next thing would be my mothering skills.... that to me would be unforgivable as I am resposible for a life that is full of energy, curiosity and happiness and they are elements you just can't bring when you are feeling down so something had to change and FAST. We seem to have been taught to run away from our emotions rather than embracing them, feeling them and recognising them as they come up.
So my first step to 'recovery' was to go searching, deep within, for thoughts feelings and emotions I had previously suppressed instead of dealing with. It doesn't come instantly. Trust me... it takes some time and some searching! I spent days writing. If you just sit down and write you will be so surprised as to what spills onto the page. A piece of paper is the best 'ears' your problems could ever fall on as a piece of paper is judgement free and all that stars back at you is the truth, even if you didn't necessarily write it. I just started writing and things that I had no idea I was feeling came out... feelings of unworthiness, disappointment (in myself) and guilt flew onto the page and as each feeling was discovered I would explore even further as to why I was feeling this way. All the feelings I discovered were feelings that suffocate any idea of hope and can leave you with a feeling of loneliness... loneliness? Eureka!
What a moment that was for me! To discover on my own why I was feeling the way I did! You get so much satisfaction from helping yourself. There really is nothing more empowering! Circumstances and situations had recently arose in my life and I reacted to them in ways that I did not want to face. So instead of recognising my reaction to these situations and circumstances and dealing with it and working to turn it around... I ignored it (thinking I was being strong!) which in turn burried them within me and what was bubbling on the top was my loneliness.
Now I have recognised these feelings I am dealing with them one by one... and it usually starts with WHY? Why do I feel unworthy? Why am I so dissapointed in myself? Why do I feel guilty?
It turns out they are all pretty minor things I feel these feelings and emotions about. But at the same time for some reason I believed that that was the response necessisary. So now I am working on changing my mind. I AM worthy. I am not a dissapointment, I know this and I know why I thought I was. I have nothing in my life to be guilty for as I am a good person who tries her hardest and takes everyone and everything into consideration. My house is now clean, I am returning phone calls and I am writing!
The moral of the story?
Embrace your emotions in the moment and don't run away from them. Whether they are good or bad you are feeling them for a reason. Your emotions are a direct response to what you are thinking so if you want to know what you are thinking have a look at how you are feeling. Are you feeling happy, secure and hopeful? Great! Your thought processes must be positive and enriching! Are you feeling sad, insecure and hopeless? Then you are in a negative spiral of thoughts that you need to explore.
These are all human experiences and emotions and part of the wonderful journey we call life! Take the time to get to know yourself and to take care of yourself because no one will take care of you like you can.
If this blog can help just one person make the decision to sit down and take the time and energy that is required and help themselves... then it will make my personal victory all the more sweet!

Stay fabulous!

CLE

avandia recall