BEING A MOTHER- PART ONE- MY STORY

My Brand New Bundle of Joy- Beau

I have been meaning to write this blog for a while. This is probably my tenth attempt. There is so so so much to being a Mum that it really is unbelievable until you experience it! But I will start at the beginning and be %100 honest in this blog, well, I am in all my blogs but I just want to say that so you know I am giving you my 100%, ‘raw’, ‘unedited’ version of my experience.

It was 2009 and I was 22. I had just finished all my studies and ready to jump into the work force! I was in such a great place as I was finally on the road to having something I always wanted… financial independence! I seem to associate being an adult with financial independence! No more student centre link payments and having to ask Mum and Dad to help me pay my rent! I had learnt so much through my life coaching and was in the process of surrounding myself with wonderful people and ‘letting go’ of the people who were not on the same positive and growth orientated path as me! That also included my boyfriend at the time. We were different. Very different. So we parted ways and all was going great!

Then out of the blue I got sick. Really sick. I couldn’t eat or drink because my body would just reject it. I spent a lot of time in hospital while they were trying to figure out what was wrong with me and having fluids pumped into my veins as anything that went into my mouth would not be accepted into my body. ‘Are you pregnant Casey?’ the doctors kept asking and each time my answer was a resounding ‘NO’. ‘Are you sure?’ ‘YES’. Apparently I was wrong! I had no idea that would happen. It came out of nowhere. I knew I had been a little slack with my pill before my boyfriend and I broke up but I had done that before and got away with it so I just assumed I would get away with it again. But no, not this time.

They couldn’t find what was wrong with me so they sent me home for the fourth time with packets full of anti-emetics (drugs that stop you from vomiting), not that they worked, and I thought I had better buy a pregnancy home testing kit just to make sure. When it came up positive I was mortified.

“What have I done??? How could I be so stupid! How irresponsible of me! What was I thinking?! I am such an idiot! Here I was thinking I was a smart girl and then I go and get myself pregnant!?”

They were the awful thoughts running through my head. Those thoughts debilitated me and I sat on my bathroom floor crying for hours before I could bring myself to call my mother and tell her my news. My Mother was of course amazing. Calming me down and telling me it will be alright “It is YOUR decision Casey, no matter what you do I will be behind you 100%” she said. I can’t imagine the different thoughts and emotions that were going through my Mother’s head at that time. So I sat down and thought about it and thought about it and thought about it. Not once did I give myself a break. I was an ‘an idiot’, ‘a stupid irresponsible woman’, I called myself every name under the sun.

There was a girl that I knew and she had announced that she was pregnant just a few months before and people said such awful things. ‘Why is she keeping it’, ‘she is too young’, ‘kids ruin your life’, ‘if she is not having an abortion she must have done it on purpose’. I hate to admit this but… from my place of bitchy judgemental ignorance… I silently agreed. So I thought that if I ever accidently fell pregnant I would have an abortion and that would be that. It was all supposed to be easy. I was a 100% pro-choice, and still am, so I pushed all of my feelings aside and called up the clinic and booked myself in. They are very smart at the clinics. You call up and book in and you have to call back in two days to confirm your decision. After I booked in, all the feelings I had pushed aside were now back with a vengeance. I had a little person growing inside of me. You cannot escape the feelings associated with the little bundle of cells dividing and growing inside of you.

I called a help line, I don’t remember which one it was but it was the best thing I did. They ask you to weigh up the pros and cons. I had no pros. After you ‘weigh them up’ they say what do you feel? ‘I want to keep it’ were the words that flowed from my mouth without any thinking. I felt such a relief when I said that and I knew that was my decision. My heart of hearts decision. The lady then went through my relationship with the father- will I tell him, will I get back together with him and the lady told me that the most important question in regards to the father is- if the father and I got back together and the relationship did not end up working- could I do it on my own? The answer was a yes. I knew he wouldn’t do much anyway! He wasn’t much of a family man.

The decision brought me instant relief but I did not let up on myself. The stress that I put onto myself from beating myself up so much and the fear and doubt I let overtake my mind did not let me enjoy my pregnancy. It was awful. I didn’t even feel much love or anything to what was growing in my stomach. I just felt… nothing. I was too busy being afraid of what other people thought of me because I remember how harshly other people, including me, judged the other girl and those people said that kids ruin your life so my life must be over right?

The father and I got back together and the months flew by. I spent my time between reading the twilight books and every book on being a mother and giving birth I could possibly get my hands on. By the time I hit the eight and a half month mark I knew 3 things for sure: 1. I was having a boy. 2. His name would be Beau. And 3. I wanted a natural birth. I went to see my OBGYN and told him that I wanted a natural birth. He told me that Beau was such a big baby that he didn’t think it would be possible and that if he keeps growing at the rate he will want to do a C section. I protested that I did not want that. Beau was due on the 19th of April and my Doctor said that hopefully he comes early otherwise I should come in on the 3rd so he could give me check up and he would discuss inducing me.

I was so sick of being pregnant and so determined to have a natural birth that on the day before I had to go back to the Doctor I went and had acupuncture. I had read many papers on women who were in the same situation as me, or were well overdue and had gone to have acupuncture to induce them. I had never had acupuncture before and it was pretty cool! So I had the acupuncture and went to my OBGYN the next day and he said that I was 1cm dilated! I was not in labour but my cervix was certainly preparing me for it! So the Doctor sent me home and said he would give me 3 days to go into labour or he would induce me on the 7th. I sat at home for three days eagerly awaiting my first contraction! Every movement and every feeling in my body did not go unnoticed! But no labour pains. So on the morning of the 7th of April 2009 I packed my bag and went into Pindara Private Hospital.

My OBGYN greeted me, led me to my birthing suite and introduced me to my midwife. I laid down on my bed and I had no idea what inducing was. I was in such a rush to give birth that I forgot to ask! I had not thought about the actual act of giving birth or how much pain I was going to be in because I made sure I didn’t think about it. I didn’t want to add to the stress of being pregnant! But then my Doctor pulled out what looked like a crochet needle and told me to that he was going to break my water and it would be just like popping a balloon, it would be painless and all I will feel is some warm water run out of me so all I have to do is lay back and relax! Then it dawned on me… Holy sh*t! I was about to give birth! It went exactly as he said. I felt a little pressure but it was not painful at all and then the water. They had everything there to catch the water so there was no mess no fuss. They just took it away and then I was told to enjoy the calm and wait for my first contraction. The birthing suites at Pindara are brilliant. It was huge and had a couch, fridge and ensuite. My Mother, Father and Partner were there and they were brought food and drink while I was ‘labouring away’. Not that I noticed. I am not going to go into the gory details of the labour because there is not much to tell. Contractions, to me, just felt like… easiest was to explain it is- bad period pain x 10,000. My Mum had brought me a brilliant meditation CD a month earlier which takes you through a meditation to help you cope with the contractions. It tells you to imagine the contractions as waves, they build up slowly, peak and then slowly go away. It teaches you to breathe through these ‘waves’ and to go to your ‘happy place’ and imagine what you do there. My ‘happy place’ was in a rainforest clearing where there was a waterfall coming down into a waterhole where I went swimming and sun-baked on the rock next to it, feeling the warmth of the suns rays, and watched turtles and other sea life swim. It doesn’t sound like it would help but oh my goodness it did! If I left my happy place during a contraction I could not 'ride the wave' of a contraction! It felt like I was dumped by it! So I stayed silent and in my happy place! Not to say it didn’t hurt like hell! But it made the contractions manageable and MUCH less stressful.

Five hours of labour later it was time to push! I was offered a mirror so I could watch as my little man entered the world but my answer was… No thank you! Ouch, I did not want to see that. I did not want the visions of that stuck in my head for the rest of my life and I do not regret saying no! Five minutes of pushing (I know! Only five minutes! Thank goodness!) and I had a baby boy placed on my chest. He came out quietly and as soon as I looked at his little face all of my stress, fears and doubts that had plagued my mind for the last 9 months melted away. Here he was. A vision of absolute perfection and love. The love that I felt was something that I cannot explain nor can you even grasp its power until it happens to you. It’s like all of a sudden you are in a world that is 100% safe and secure, where peace abounds, life is plentiful, and love is all you feel. It is a love void of jealousy, anger, fear and suspicion. It is the purest form of love and it sweeps you off your feet.


To read part two of this blog go HERE.